Nerds Ruin Everything

June 29th, 2009 by Johnny

I play a game called Civilization IV. It’s a great strategy game, kind of like a more complex game of Risk or Axis and Allies, and it has some amazing mods you can add to it to make it even better. A very popular and very well-made mod is called Fall From Heaven, which is a fantasy mod. It’s fun to play because it changes the dynamic of the original game quite immensely, effectively reinventing the experience. Civilization IV is a turn-based strategy game, with taxes, buildings, armies, diplomacy, etc., so in forums discussing the game people are normally focused on the pure game mechanics – how to get advantages, churn out more units, increase territory, etc., with the odd tangent about real history, on which the game is based.

Well, I installed the Fall From Heaven mod and have really enjoyed playing it, but came across a few issues that I needed answered. So I went to the Fall From Heaven forum to read up on some things and found that fantasy, as a genre, brings with it a core army of devoted nerds who will take things way too seriously. Most of the people on the Fall From Heaven forum still talk about strategy, straight-up, but the nerds, damn their hides, have taken to discussing culture and history, for a fantasy game! Some are even “remembering” events that apparently occurred in a fictitious world created as a backdrop for a fucking strategy game!

Meet Jonathan Strange: Nerd's Avatar

I hate him. I’ve never met him but I want to punch him in the throat. He’s taken the experience of playing Fall From Heaven and changed it from a well-thought game of checks and balances into some kind of life experience that he can masturbate to and nerd-gasm over. I feel gross playing the game now; he’s ruined it. All this blathering of mine is just a set-up to introduce some of his forum posts, which make me so angry I could poop an orc. Here are a few of Jonathan’s exact quotes, with some paraphrased entries from other writers to add context. Keep in mind that this game is not World of Warcraft, it’s basically like a more complex game of Risk, with a fantasy element because of the Fall From Heaven mod:

StratLuva: Does anyone have a list of all the units in the game?

Goblins’nQueers: Sure, here ya go: unitlist.doc

Nerd's Avatar
Jonathan Strange: Many brave souls died to get you that information. Use it wisely.

Fairly benign, right? Except he’s not joking around. He probably remembers a few of the “brave souls” that fought to get that .doc file, because he may well have been there himself, focusing his mana energies on his keyboard, feverishly tapping out units while a fucking dragon breathed down his neck! He identifies one of the civilizations in the game as his own; as in, he is actually a member of the Ljosalfar civilization. (Why does fantasy always have the most ridiculous naming conventions?)

RumpleForeskin: I’m playing as the Amurites, and the Ljosalfar are always declaring war against me! What gives!?!?

Nerd's Avatar
Jonathan Strange: Well, I don’t know about the AIs, but as for we Ljosalfars and the Amurites, there’s been bad blood between our people since the Death Mana Wars. Perhaps one day we will be able to share mana nodes freely but that day is not this day.

kinkydink: It also seems that two of the other civilizations, the Ljosalfars and the Svartalfars, always declare war against each other, no matter what I do!

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Jonathan Strange: They are our traditional enemies and I, for one, welcome the chance to teach the Svartalfars a lesson they won’t soon forget!!

I remember at the last siege of Hyll, the Svartalfars poured through the main gates after their assassins had treacherously slain the guards allowing hundreds of Svart swordswomen and huntresses, along with their allied Amurite magic users and sellswords into the city.

In truth, I forced my way past my own bodyguard to face Hunith, Faeryl Viconia’s third cousin (as well as, I think, my fifth or sixth cousin), she who had sworn to level the Holy City of the Fellowship, but who found only dusty death instead.

So, while some may hate the Amurites, we Ljos have our own priorities.

kinkydink: Right, uh, thanks.

There are no details like that in the game. You just move “swordman” or “archer” around the battlefield, trying to capture enemy cities, but you don’t “pour through” the gates – you just press a button and your unit moves onto another tile. There’s no one-on-one combat, between either regular units or incestuous cousins. Where does he get these ideas? Does he cry for his lost units? Does he shudder when he presses the left arrow key to attack another city? Does he remember the glorious battle of Iyam Areetard, when his battle dwarves stood outside the castle walls, waiting for his command to attack, while he honourably alt-tabbed out of the game to engage in a little frottage over pictures of hentai girls with photoshopped elven dongs?

DinkoBiloba: I played a really good game last night. I was down to just one city left, and then managed to turn things around and kill the civilization attacking me. Now I’m in first place and definitely going to win.

lklklk Pretty good. One time I beat the whole game in only 75 turns. I could barely believe it. Let’s hear more stories! I hope to God Jonathan Strange doesn’t come on here.

Nerd's Avatar
Jonathan Strange One time, the Bannor were widely successful and crushing civs left and right. Then we Ljosalfars, the last of the free peoples, being the furthest nation from the Bannormen, protected by distance and a creature-filled ocean had to face the ultimate test when the Holy Crusaders declared us heretics and vowed to crush our civilization.

We fought the army of Decius to a standstill along the banks of the river Aeryx and sent a fleet hugging the northern coastline and landed an army near the Bannor capitol. We razed the city. Decius’ wine and beasts supplied our feasts and his overthrow caused two of his vassals to revolt.

Not bad for an Elf.

lklklk Fuck.

Am I the only one going “nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn” and rubbing my temples when I read this stuff? Am I the only one that wants to see people like this in pain? Why is that?

Dear Jonathan (and all you other nerds out there, World of Warcraft-ers especially): it’s called fantasy for a reason. If you make fantasy your life then what does your life become?

3 Responses

  1. C

    I do believe lklklk found out that his geeky-ness was child’s play…that there are supreme forms of geeks, all of which are embodied in Jonathan Strange.

    Strange indeed.

  2. Jonathan Strange

    What life is there but to have lasting peace through the turmoils of conflict and victorious war.

    I remember a Bristlyack Warmaster who once took up arms and led a revolt against the very kingdom that ruled the land.

    This Warmaster, Mywangiswet “The Lonely”, had harboured a hatred for Queen Felatious for he was nigh to be let beyond the Queens first Base, where all men of worth would be showered in gold and given a new name.

    Singed into The Lonely’s soul, this hatred turned all else he had to dust. Fueled with one goal, and 6 bottles of magic potion, he uncharacteristically yet charismatically led a growing army of fellow dark souls to the gates of Virginitious.

    The Lonely called forth his most powerful man-servants and hoisted up a giant ram. Thrusting the huge wood through the gates of Virginitious leaving a bloodied mess of what once was a sacred gate.

    The dark army poured through the gate, followed by a coupla small bursts of “backup” and infiltrated the kingdom. Alas, Queen Felatious had lost and in nine short months the land was reborn, under a new name.


  3. ET

    God, that was hilarious!

    I’m still messing with “vanilla” Beyond the Sword, at Prince level. What a good waste of large chunks of time!