Take This Job and Keep It as Far Away From Me as Possible

December 4th, 2008 by Johnny

I worked at EB Games this past summer. Most of the job was alright, but my assistant manager was a deviant, lascivious sicko, who I couldn’t tolerate, so I quit. The following is a real letter of resignation that I handed in to the store manager. No joke. All names have been changed for shame.

***** ****,
It is with regret that I must inform you of my immediate resignation from the position of customer service representative with EB Games Inc. During my employment I have spoken with you many times about certain incidents that I have had with the assistant manager, David Morris, and asked you to intervene. David has behaved in a very unprofessional manner towards me, and has made my stay with the company extremely uncomfortable. As I have reported to you, the following situations have occurred:

1. David has consistently commented on the shape and definition of my legs and his appreciation of this fact. I have asked David repeatedly to stop doing this, but he has always ignored me while continuing to stare at me and breathe heavily.

2. While I strive to get along with all coworkers in at least a civil manner, David’s constant invitations for me to watch Cher concert DVDs at his apartment or to attend “boxer-brief parties” behind Wal-Mart are intolerable and unprofessional.

3. I have often gone into the back room to retrieve merchandise for customers to find David standing in the bathroom with his pants down. When I expressed disdain for his appearance he has suggested that he was simply going to the bathroom and forgot to close the door. I have informed you that this was quite unlikely as he was almost always in an aroused state and looking at me when I entered the back room, making me extremely uncomfortable.

4. As I reported to you, the last shift that I had with David on August 20th was particularly troublesome. After working together in relative silence for the better part of two hours, David approached me behind the service desk when the store was empty of customers. I was organizing used games, when David stood close to me, placed his hand on my thigh, and asked me if I had ever been ice-fishing before. I looked up at him and he was staring at me intently. I asked him what he meant, and he said: “You know… two men just trying to stay warm together.” I told him I was leaving the workplace immediately and reported the incident to you when I got home.

As nothing had been done to correct David’s behaviour or to create a professional workplace for me, I must leave EB Games Inc. I hope that my departure will have positive consequences, in that I trust you will examine your assistant-manager’s lascivious behaviour with more scrutiny in the future so that others will not be forced to endure his advances as I have.

****** *******

3 Responses

  1. Irene

    Sexual harassment in it’s truest form! You are cute though, even your mother thinks so!

  2. David Morris

    While you’re entitled to express your opinions regarding your tenure at EB Games, you have failed to mention that while you did quit for those stated personal infractions, an internal invesigation regarding the allegations turned up much evidence to support your assistant managers own recolection of the incidents including:

    1. It was proven to be factual that you did ask on numerous occasions that these comments regarding your legs stop, however, it was also proven that you often countered by asking why it is that your assistant manager never commented on the shape of your buttocks, particularly the left buttock, of which you often flexed in a sexual manner whilst bent over, playing with your laces (straight legged with your ass facing David no less).

    2. It has been cleared up that these invitations to watch Cher in your underpants were a misinterpretation of your original constant mumblings which say, and I quote “I love watching boners David, we should have a party in your pants”. It seems David thought you were into Chers ex Sonny an do thought you must therefore also be into Cher.

    3. Its been brought to our attention that while David did stand at attention, door open in the back room bathroom, it wasn’t possible for you to see him, as you usually entered the back room bathroom, backwards and bent over. Hence the uncomfortable situation.

    4. Davids recollection of the time you asked him to expore the Sahara while you stroked, gently, the few hairs on his chin lead us to beleive that your entire arguement regarding this sexual harassment is a blatent attempt to fuel the fires of a lovers quarrel. Furthermore, David explained that when asked why he would want to head out into that heat with you, you replied that you would keep each other cool by blowing one another.

    The icing on this cake, and the last piece of evidence vindicating EB Games, and our assistant manager from eny wrong doing, was the marriage certificate containing the names of both yourself, and the accused.

  3. Petunia Flowerbottom

    David is obviously making up his story. 1. Liers get nervous and make spelling mistakes. He made at least 3. 2. That marriage certificate was photocopied and the original names were crossed out and their names written in crayon. (Different colours were used for that rainbow effect!) 3. David is a distant relative of Michael Jackson.

    I know I’m right, or my name isn’t Petunia Flowerbottom! Who’s with me on this….? Anyone? Anyone?