Rejected Scripts

November 28th, 2008 by Johnny

(A Victorian parlour with ornate furniture. There is a knock at the door at the back-left of the stage, in an attached foyer. A young girl walks towards the door and welcomes an older man into the foyer. They walk into the parlour and sit on a couch in the middle of the stage, facing the audience.)

CLARISSE SAPPLETON: (Five foot tall, 385 pound beast. Wheezes due to a chronic lung infection as she enters the scene. Huge sausage fingers wipe a constant flow of blood from her infected nose, and one leg is about 1.5 feet shorter than the other, causing her to shuffle in a most horrendous way. One can easily see the early effects of elephantiasis setting-in on her left arm and ‘good’ leg.) My aunt should be down any minute, Mr. Crowley. How does this day find you?

MR. CROWLEY: (Middle-aged, smartly-dressed gentleman with a posh London accent. His mannerisms are confident and assertive – this is a man of the world who knows how to comport himself) That’s all well and good, young lady. I should say I’m in rather a bit of a hurry.

CLARISSE SAPPLETON: (Oh yeah, she’s also Italian) Kill me.

4 Responses

  1. Dave Poliquin

    Make sure you delve deeply into the carvings on the furniture in the drawing room….we need to know the intricate details on the carvings, and whether or not small cherubs and religious iconography are present
    Also…fat chicks wet the fucking bed

  2. The Great Unwashed

    What we, the unwashed, need to know, is as per Poes’ Raven (Lenore), is this Johnny character tapping at OUR windows, beckoning us outside for a fate most foul…

  3. Rage

    HA HA HA HA! Sounds like your ex-girlfriend!

  4. Gus VanBjorkan

    I nearly shat myself with this one bro.

    I love the subtle colouring of Clarrise’s character. She truly is an enigma. Perhaps the greatest female role conceived since Momma from “Throw Momma from the Train.”