An Open Letter to GO Train Commuters

July 8th, 2008 by Mr. Fanrastic

GO TrainFellow GO Train commuters,

In regards to public transit in the Greater Toronto Area, riding the GO Train is somewhat like flying business class. Most of us appreciate this, and are respectful of each other’s comfort. But a few of you seem to be unaware of the unspoken rules of GO Train etiquette. Allow me to put into words that which should be blatantly obvious:

  1. Do not eat smelly foods on the train unless you are in some kind of separately ventilated bubble. Nobody appreciates the stench of your snacks. This includes, but is not limited to, Doritos, popcorn, or anything from McDonald’s (especially their evil, evil fries). Also, don’t eat messy foods unless you are wearing an electrostatic bib or have a chameleon-like tongue to catch your detritus before it hits the floor.
  2. STFU. Seriously. Or at least keep your conversation library-quiet. Some of us are trying to sleep. The worst offenders are you cellphone-wielding assholes who seem to think the GO train is your personal office. It isn’t. Shut the fuck up and use email instead. Surely you have BlackBerry if you’re riding the GO Train, right?
  3. If you don’t have a BlackBerry and you absolutely must SMS someone, for the love of fuck turn off the audible tone on your shitty little flip-phone. Nobody wants to be bombarded with keypress tones as you fumble through the alphabet to tap out your message. You’d be better off using Morse-fucking-code, ’cause at least that would sound cool.
  4. Don’t put your bulky laptop bag in the aisle. If you do, I will “accidentally” kick it when I walk by. Also, don’t put your bag on another seat unless the train is already moving and everyone is already seated. Put your bag under your seat or in your lap. On a side note, what the fuck is with all the luggage bags these days? When did everyone wuss out and start dragging their laptops to work? I can’t count how many times I’ve almost tripped over these fucking things, especially during the few seconds at the bottom of the escalator when you suddenly stop, drop, and walk. Has it occurred to you that stopping right at the bottom of an escalator maybe isn’t the best idea? Especially when your bag sits there for a second after you start walking away from it as the handle telescopes out. Carry the damn bag away from the escalator before you stop and drop it, or better yet, stop being so fucking lazy and carry it all the time. You could use the exercise.
  5. Brush your teeth, or at least chew a fucking mint. Failing that, don’t breathe.
  6. Take your shit with you when you leave the train. This includes newspapers. Nobody cares that you solved the Sudoku puzzle, or that the reason you couldn’t finish the crossword is because “glurp” isn’t a word, you stupid shit.

If we all follow these simple rules, the GO Train will be a better place for all of us, and I will finally be able to stop going to anger management therapy.

Thank you.

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5 Responses

  1. Yi

    Can’t wait to read your next letter to TTC Bus and Subway commuters. :)

  2. Colleen

    Another worst offender = ear-injury headphones. How they have the music so loud is beyond me. I suspect their idiotic nature has numbed their hearing power.

  3. Mr. Fanrastic

    Yes! It’s even worse when they have it cranked so loud that you can hear the lyrics. It’s absolute hell when the lyrics are being sung by Celine Dion.

  4. ET

    I’m glad someone speaks about it :)

  5. anonymous

    this was fun to read. Loved it and agree with everything that Mr. Fanrastic said.

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