When it comes to restaurants, appearance is very important. You need to present your diner in a manner which conveys a sense of cleanliness, among other things. This principle applies even before you open your doors for business. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a yet-to-be-opened restaurant that completely fails in this department:
Say, what are all those little dots on the sign? They don’t seem to fit, do they? Let’s take a closer look, shall we?
Why, it’s a variety of insects! How appetizing. The good news: apparently they still have an opening for the position of exterminator, so get your resumes in quick!
For every stupid invention, there are countless stupid people who will buy into it. Take this “Ear Wax Cleaner” found on Amazon.com, for example:
At first glance, you would probably think it’s a piece of crap. And you’d be partly right. But what you may not realize is the full potential danger of this piece of plastic. You see, the Ear Wax Cleaner, contrary to its name, does not actually clean your earwax. Rather, it is a vacuum cleaner for your ear canal. That’s right. Some genius thought that he could improve on the wax-packing, eardrum-rupturing Q-tip by adding suction to the equation. Fortunately the inventor put more suck than suction into the device, and it is thankfully underpowered:
I don’t know what’s more worrisome - that this ear-raping device was invented in the first place, or that 11 of 11 people found the above review helpful. But my favourite review is this one:
Seems Mr. Paolino is a little hard of hearing, presumably due to all the wax that wasn’t cleaned by this device. Oops, I should speak up so he can hear me: GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT YOUR RUPTURED EARDRUM!
For the record, and it’s sad that I have to state this, do not stick things in your ear canal! If you’ve got wax in your ear, spray some water in there when you’re in the shower. If it’s really stubborn, try mineral oil to soften it up first. Just don’t stick anything smaller than your elbow in there!
If I asked you to think of lingerie, and then asked you to think of a temperature, what would you say? If you’re a normal, red-blooded human, your answer would probably fall somewhere between “warm” and “hot and bothered.” And yet a store that specializes in all things sexy comes up with this gem:
Has global warming gotten so bad that we need to do our part by cooling things off in the bedroom? If so, then I’m afraid the planet is doomed.
Its been a long time since I’ve posted on this blog. I’ve been busy, trying to enjoy the summer without my typically cynical outlook. I’m tired of seeing the bad in everything, especially music . I have found a voice for hope in this too-often gloomy world, and have been listening to his most famous single for six hours straight each day, trying to uncover every last shred of emotion and genius in his message. This man’s name is Speak, and with Tamás Takáts, Miklós Varga, Bebe (Dániel Abebe), Torvald Hightower, and Naszi (Tamás Naszvagyi) by his side, he is preaching, testifying for peace baby!
Groove with me now. Yee, come on.
Anyone who even thinks any violent thought after watching that video, be it kicking a child or electrocuting a hamster, is inhuman and should be punished by being forced to appear in Speak’s next video: “Goulash, Not Guns”.
In regards to public transit in the Greater Toronto Area, riding the GO Train is somewhat like flying business class. Most of us appreciate this, and are respectful of each other’s comfort. But a few of you seem to be unaware of the unspoken rules of GO Train etiquette. Allow me to put into words that which should be blatantly obvious:
Do not eat smelly foods on the train unless you are in some kind of separately ventilated bubble. Nobody appreciates the stench of your snacks. This includes, but is not limited to, Doritos, popcorn, or anything from McDonald’s (especially their evil, evil fries). Also, don’t eat messy foods unless you are wearing an electrostatic bib or have a chameleon-like tongue to catch your detritus before it hits the floor.
STFU. Seriously. Or at least keep your conversation library-quiet. Some of us are trying to sleep. The worst offenders are you cellphone-wielding assholes who seem to think the GO train is your personal office. It isn’t. Shut the fuck up and use email instead. Surely you have BlackBerry if you’re riding the GO Train, right?
If you don’t have a BlackBerry and you absolutely must SMS someone, for the love of fuck turn off the audible tone on your shitty little flip-phone. Nobody wants to be bombarded with keypress tones as you fumble through the alphabet to tap out your message. You’d be better off using Morse-fucking-code, ’cause at least that would sound cool.
Don’t put your bulky laptop bag in the aisle. If you do, I will “accidentally” kick it when I walk by. Also, don’t put your bag on another seat unless the train is already moving and everyone is already seated. Put your bag under your seat or in your lap. On a side note, what the fuck is with all the luggage bags these days? When did everyone wuss out and start dragging their laptops to work? I can’t count how many times I’ve almost tripped over these fucking things, especially during the few seconds at the bottom of the escalator when you suddenly stop, drop, and walk. Has it occurred to you that stopping right at the bottom of an escalator maybe isn’t the best idea? Especially when your bag sits there for a second after you start walking away from it as the handle telescopes out. Carry the damn bag away from the escalator before you stop and drop it, or better yet, stop being so fucking lazy and carry it all the time. You could use the exercise.
Brush your teeth, or at least chew a fucking mint. Failing that, don’t breathe.
Take your shit with you when you leave the train. This includes newspapers. Nobody cares that you solved the Sudoku puzzle, or that the reason you couldn’t finish the crossword is because “glurp” isn’t a word, you stupid shit.
If we all follow these simple rules, the GO Train will be a better place for all of us, and I will finally be able to stop going to anger management therapy.
I was flipping through the Metro last week when my brain was assaulted by the following ad:
It’s either pure genius, or, more likely, a drug-induced flash of insight as to how astronauts aren’t really upside-down when they’re floating in space and that cats can’t understand this concept any better than you can explain gravitational theory to the letter ‘L’.
What’s in the drinking water at the American Inventor studio? First BulletBall, and now this guy, Stephen Cousineau (AKA Dusty Rose). Obviously the editors had some fun with the footage, but the result is truly hilarious, and editing or not, this guy is clearly living on the edge. Watch out for the incredibly unsubtle music change at 2:55, signalling Stephen’s decision to demonstrate his other invention: laser beam eyes.
My favourite lines:
“My invention is the wheel.”
“I invented the wheels of change. They’re EXACTLY what America is looking for right now, and I’m proud of ‘em.”
“Would I find any kind of wheels competitive to those wheels?” “I AM the competition.” “No seriously.” “I AM serious.”
“This wheel has a subliminal safety signal built-in to it. When this bike stops those wheels keep spinning to send a message out to the environment to be safe on the road.”
… wait. Why am I making a list? Everything that comes out of his mouth is pure gold.
We have to get Stephen Cousineau and Marc Griffin (BulletBall) together for some brain-storming. Whatever invention they come up with will doubtless be garbage, but the real creation will be some amazing television.
The good news: Firefox 3 has just been released! The bad, yet funny news: Mozilla’s web site has been taking quite a beating, and their release was behind schedule. I managed to capture this transitory screenshot of the download page:
Hmm, so 3 is the new 2.0.0.14? The download link was even pointing to the 2.0.0.14 version. Whoops! Fortunately that’s since been fixed, and you can now download Firefox 3.
